Before I was a Mom

Some of you already know that I have struggled mightily this past year with Postpartum Depression. I had a touch of it after my daughter was born 4 years ago but after my son was born in January of this year, it hit full force. I had a traumatic delivery- preterm labor starting at 30 weeks with a host of inpatient stays to stop the contractions. I walked around dilated to 3.5 cm, contracting every 3-4 minutes for weeks before I reached 37 weeks. At exactly 37 weeks, my water started leaking and I was finally dilated to a complete 4cm. With my daughter, I was in labor for 36 hours. She was also preterm- born at 35 weeks 3 days- and we were lucky to make it that far. So I was expecting a long labor with my son. I was wrong.

I was admitted at 1:44pm at 4cm dilated. I had a high leak in my sac so the OB ruptured the fore waters (or whatever they're called) at 3:30pm. I was 5cm at that time. I stalled out at 5cm and stayed there. At 5:05 my OB decided to start Pitocin to speed it along. Before the nurse could even get it ready, I told her I felt pressure. She kind of laughed it off until I almost came out of the bed with the pressure. She checked me and sure enough, I was 10cm dilated and he was coming! That's when it got scary. One minute they were setting up for delivery, the next minute his heartrate was in the 60's. And it stayed there....and stayed there.....the nurse called for help and I was flipped from side to side, rotated and twisted every which way to try and bring his heart rate back up. Finally it came up into the 90's. The OB let me push once while she was getting the vacuum set up. I went ahead and pushed again and he came right out. He was fine, screaming and pink. He had great Apgars but I was totally overwhelmed at that moment. The OB was fabulous, she was calm and efficient and never let on just how serious the situation was. But I knew. I saw the look in her eyes, I heard the nurse calling to have a room ready for a STAT section. I have never been so scared in my life and that includes after I had my daughter and I hemorrhaged badly. For those few moments, I thought my son was going to die during delivery.

He was perfectly fine, a perfect little healthy newborn. I was a wreck. Over the next four weeks, what started out as the baby blues turned into real PPD. I had panic attacks. I couldn't sleep for fear that he would die from SIDS in the middle of the night. There were days that all I did was cry. There were days that I could barely get out of bed. There were days that I just wanted it all to go away. My OB put me on Zoloft because I am nursing. At first it helped a little. Then it stopped working. And the black cloud returned full force. I have only just begun to feel like that cloud is lifting. My son is 10 months old. But I still feel like I'm on the edge of that cliff. I'm okay today but it wouldn't take much to send me back down into that pit of despair. I'm just one bad day away from being right back in the middle of PPD.

So when someone sent me an email today about being a mom, it made me remember all the reasons that I love being a mom. I hope it does the same for you guys.

Before I was a Mom-
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.


Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom-
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.


Before I was a Mom-
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.


Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.